Funny how the longer you live with them,the more they need to be reminded. Sent from Freedom's Hellberry
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief said. In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire. A black family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six Hispanic gang-bangers and ex-cons lived on the third floor and they also died. A white couple lived on the top floor. They alone survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious when they heard about it. They flew into L.A. and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know, why the blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived. The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."
Man walks into a bar and orders 14 Gin and Tonics. Barman looks and him quizzically and asks him if he really wants 14 Gin and Tonics and the Man confirms 14 Gin and Tonics. Barman asks him why he wants 14 Gin and Tonics. Man says he is celebrating his first blow job. The barmen congratulates him and asks him why 14 and not 15 or 20. The man replies that he's sure 14 G&Ts will get rid of the taste.
An old one but it makes me smile. As the train pulled away from the station, a young skinhead entered the carrige and sat down oposit a nun. After 15 minutes of silence, the skinhead produced from his pocket a brown paper bag filled with fresh prawns, he proceeded to eat them one by one and as he did, he spat their heads towards the nun. This continued for ten minutes, without warning the nun stood up and pulled the comunication cord, the skinhead said, you stupid bitch, your going to get a £60 fine for doing that. The nun replied, that I may my child, but when the policemen enters the carrige and I tell that you stuck your hand up my habit, and they smell your fingers, you'll be looking at ten years! I'll get my coat.
Another train one, I'm not an anorak btw Picture the scene, little jimmy playing in the lounge with his train set while his mother is preparing the evening meal. Little jimmy says "all those getting off the train, get off the fcucking train. All those getting on the train get on the fcuking train! On hearing this his mother comes from the kitchen and scolds little jimmy, sitting him on the naughty step telling him he has to stay there for 30 minutes until he is sorry for his awful words. After his 30 minutes on the naughty step, little jimmys mother returned to him and asked if he was sorry for his earlier out burst. Indeed I am he said and after a quick hug and an apology little jimmy was allowed to continue playing with his train set. His mother Listening from the kitchen incase of any further outbursts. 5 minutes later, little jimmy anounced, To all passengers, please be aware we are arriving at our destination. I would like to thank you for traveling with us today, please make sure you take all your property and have a safe and plesant onword journey. Jimmys mother smiled on hearing this thinking he'd learnt his lesson well. Until he added. I'd also like to apologise for the 30 minute delay, this delay was totally beyond my control, but feel free to blame the fcuking bitch in the kitchen for sitting me on the naughty step for the past 30 minutes.
Jimmy Saville driving down the road when he sees a small boy. He pulls over and says to the boy "If I gave you a sweet will you come in my car?" Small boy looks at Jimmy Saville in his Rolls Royce and replies "If you give me a packet of sweets I'll come in your mouth"
Amazing, Shane! You're on a roll. So funny. And original! Just remind me how many people died. Neither my wife (Kenyan) nor I (black) are intelligent enough to count that high. If you're ever this way I'll book you into a south London amateur comedy night and you can tell that one. Forgive me if I don't attend but I'm sure I'll read about it in the papers.
THIS IS A JOKE SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE JOKES DON'T READ IT My wife hates it when I walk around on holiday in my speedos, my gut hanging out and rarely without a beer in my hand. She says stuff like, "I thought you'd be different when I booked a trip to Auschwitz".
I've just bumped into my mate Charlie. You know Charlie, the geezer with only one arm. "What you up to mate?" I asked "I'm about to change a light bulb Ken" he came back with. I looked at him puzzled for a while then ventured, "Really mate......That's going to be a bit difficult for you, isn't it.." "No, I've still got the receipt you insensitive bastard!"
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, fuck off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom." I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."
On that subject I met a top geezer at West Bay near Bridport (which according to Ken is still the suburbs of London but which I call the West Country) at the motorcyclists' spot. He'd lost the use of his left arm in a spill and velcroed it to the handlebar on each ride. The right handlebar looked like an open Swiss army knife - levers everywhere. Anyway, watching him rolling a cigarette was superb. To say he was slick is a bit of an understatement. Top man.
Just about like Malaysia then Shane. I don't mind getting up early but I don't need someone yelling at me from the top of a tower, I can set my own alarm. Live and let sleep is my mantra.
RIGHT LISTEN UP GUYS................................I'm holding a charity event this weekend for people who find it difficult to orgasm.............Let me know if you can't come!!! Mornin
I see Rolf Harris has been arrested on "historical sex offences " What bothers me though ,he is now behind bars and he keeps singing .....Tie me Kangaroo down Sport tie me Kangaroo down.. Most disturbing lol.
