I was showering with my new girlfriend when I pressed up against her fully erect. "I'm on," she said. It's fair to say nobody has been that depressed in a shower since the 1940's.
One of my exes used to refer to her boobs as "the girls" Maybe he use to call his plums his "Two little boys"
Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Freedie Star and now Stuart Hall. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait for the prison christmas pantomime this year.
A support group for premature ejaculators invited me to do a talk. Thought it best that I turn up early ....
My wife said we needed to stop listening to The Monkees during foreplay as it was causing premature ejaculation. At first I was sceptical, and then I saw her face........
My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!" So I invited the boys over. One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter the others brought beer. Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer, but we got the downspout fixed. Wife is still speechless... I am certain not for much longer though.
A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off, and wait for a camel."
Shanes, I would have thought age, experience and not least your wife might have thought you that timing is everything.... on this occasion I thing you have got it wrong mate. Besides I can’t see any black cabbie in our great city picking anyone up just now with a beard, shaved body and ruck sack.
David, I think you're flogging a dead horse. I don't think he'd say that joke on the streets where he lives. He wouldn't use the N word down my neck of the woods. But on the internet, that's different. On the internet he's a hard man.
Teacher to Little Johnny: "Can you make a sentence with the word contagious?" Little Johnny: "Sure! Mum says whenever dad mows the lawn it always takes the . . . "
