Your money or your wife ________________________________________ A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ***************************************** FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set hand brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Take a quick peeky at yourself in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque-book. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Hand Brake. __________________
Job Seeker ________________________________________ A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card > advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. > > Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details > about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk. > > The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here > it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the > gynaecologist. > > You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash > their nether regions. > > Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in > soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. > > There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to > Oxford." > > "Oh why, is that where the job's based?" > "No - that's where the end of the queue is"
A Man's Journey ________________________________________ A Man's Journey ..... When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits. __________________
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting '13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Then some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick and they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Prince Charles is visiting a Sony factory in Japan, and is walking down the rows of women who are busily soldering stuff to circuit boards. He stops at one of the women workers, and says "What do you use for flux?", she says "Plix"..........
Marriage councillor says to couple. ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks cock '
A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!' The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !' The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says ... 'Probably at work
when going on a roller coaster bring some spare nuts and bolts with you. When the person in next to you is strapped in lean over and say " shit mate these just came out of your seat!"
