A Yorkshireman's Dog die's and as it was his favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: ''Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog''? Jeweller : ''Do you want it 18 carat''? Yorkshireman ''No i want it chewin a bone yer daft bugger!''
A Yorkshireman's wife die's and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words ''She were thine'' engraved on it: He calls a stonemason, who assues him that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and take a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved ''She were thin'' He explodes ,Fooking ell man ,you've left out the ''e'' . The stonemason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning . Next day comes and the widower returns .He looks at the stone and reads out loud ''e, she were thin''
All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady! Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" Eighty percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the b@st@rds."
What do you call a dead prostitute? Free. --- Was watching women's golf earlier.... They couldn't drive....but boy could they use a fucking iron!! ---
My wife asked, "Have you ever had a wank in a public place?" I replied, "Only at school." She laughed, "I meant since you've been an adult?" I said, "Oh yeah so did I."
A man went to the Dentist's office to have an abscessed tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a needle to give him a numbing shot. "No way! Please - needles! I can't stand needles", the man says. "Ok", answers the Dentist "I understand, some people have that problem". The Dentist begins to hook up the laughing gas and the man noticing what the Dentist is doing, quickly objected. "I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on, gives me a feeling of suffocation"! The Dentist is getting a little exasperated by this stage, but asks the man, "Well, do you have any objection to taking a pill?" The man thought for a moment and answered "No, no I'm fine with pills". So the Dentist excused himself as he went to his supply room. He returned and offered a pill and a glass of water and tells the man, "Here, take this. It's a Viagra tablet". The man was surprised and, nearly at a loss for words, uttered in amazement, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer too!" "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth"
