A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid
The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" men get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I am still looking for a place to live!!
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to tell a woman what day she was born just by feeling her breasts. 'really?' She said, 'go on then....try'. After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. .'come on then' she demanded, 'what day was i born?' 'fucking yesterday' i said
A Police Officer in the UK Question: How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? Answer: First - Lets pose the following question: You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? BRITISH POLICE OFFICER: Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 4) Am I dressed provocatively? 5) Could I run away? 6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings? 8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society? 10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? . 13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER: BANG! AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'.... (Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)
What's the difference between PMT and BSE? One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fcuking mental. The other is some kind of farming problem.
25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That’s bloody scary ......... it means 75% are running around with no medication at all!!
I'm so skint I've had to get the wife to sell one of her kidneys, and if things get worse I'll be forced to cancel my Sky Sports subscription JD
New Zealand has a parade of topless women on motorcycles called "Boobs on Bikes" who ride through Wellington. We can do better than that. We have Boris Johnson who cycles to work. Think about it boys, think about it, its not as hard to work out as you think.
You see, the boob isn't the female erogenous zone I usually associate with Boris. Maybe it's just me.
Close but much to high up on the female body We could add David Cameron, he also cycles to work if that helps
We had Ben Bradshaw down here. Don't even know if we still do, he was so effective. He was new labour's minister for cycling, so we're infested with the parasites here. At least I know now why Mercedes put a gunsight on the bonnet of their cars.
