Went out last night and got pissed out of ma mind. I woke up this morning next to this ugly, fat sweaty bird, who was snoring, grunting and farting. I thought , thank god for that, at least I made it home !
I bought my wife a pair of nipple tassels to bring some much needed excitement back into our marriage - but all they did was polish her toe nails.
There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked." The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
Riot Update !!!! Police have arrested two kids today,One was drinking battery acid ,The other was eating fireworks .They charged one and let the other one off.
There's even been a riot in my biscuit tin. When I came down this morning a bandit called rocky who was pretty crackers, has hit a penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon.... kidnapped a cookie and made a breakaway in a taxi, the police said rocky was last seen after eight in Maryland, drinking burbon and hobnobbing with a Ginger nut. Unfortunately, according to the echo they didn't find a crumb of evidence so the Jammy dodger got away!!!!
Apologies in advance Breaking news:- Apparently the Police now have the go ahead to use water cannons which will be available at 24 hours notice. To assist in their use Persil are donating an unlimited amount of detergent to assist with stopping the colours from running!
A women told her doctor i've a bad back.'The Doctor said 'it's old age. The women said ,'I want a second opinion. The Doctor says 'Ok your ugly as well.
Never a truer word spoken in jest. You find a lot of revolutionaries end up in the biscuit tin. You've got Garibaldi, you've got Bourbons and you've got the McVities Che Guevara chocolate assortment and Osama Ben Lincoln.
Just seen a chav running off with an arm full of chicken tikka masala. Think he got confused when his mates said they were robbing currys.
I went to the doctors the other day, and he said 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu. So i went and i got it.
It's the FA Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his great seat near the touchline. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
THE RIOTERS PRAYER Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the teles, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!
Willoughby Farquarson returns to the Explorers Club after a trek through the Great Rift Valley. The other members are shock to see him gaunt and pale, both legs in braces and walking with the aid of two cane. "Good god Farquarsonn" proclaimed one "What the devil happened to you man!" "As a gentleman, I am loathe to recount my tale because of the shame it brings me," he replied. "But in lest my fate befalls another member I am duty bound to retell it. While tracking Elephants through the jungle I became separated from my bearers and was flanked by an enormous bull, the alpha male of his herd. Without my gun I was powerless to defend myself and he ran me down and there in a clearing in the canopy....He raped me!" "My poor fellow, sit down and have a whiskey." The other explorers rallied around and made a fuss of the poor chap until one wag piped up and said. "I say Farquarson, The extent of you injuries don't hold true with the anatomy of the African Bull Elephant. Despite it's size I happen to know that it's penis is extremely short and thin. How on earth can you explain them?" "Well" said the shame faced Farquarson "I'm afraid he fingered me first."
