Dear Employee Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle! Yours The Management
That works so well with stuff happening at work at the moment, that may have to be printed and stuck annonamously on the coffee machine
I've been trying hard to resist posting this again, but frankly, it never gets old and considering the mood JD's in the last couple of days it looks like the time is right, so here, once more, is my balloon story... A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but got detained and had to rush and now I'm lost." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a technician," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." "Ah," the woman responded, "You must be in management." "I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you had no intention or any idea of how to keep, and you have looked to someone below you to solve this problem for you. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but you have managed to convince yourself that this, somehow is my fault."
It used to be a way of getting rid of the incompetents, promoting them out of the way. In those days they would generally accept that they'd done okay for themselves, keep their heads down and let other, more able beings get on with the work. Unfortunately, these days, they believe that they got where they are on their own abilities and can't help but interfere with everyone else.
