Ah well. Here it is again, boys and girls. Shops shelves stocked with plastic sh*te from China. Adverts urging us to overeat and overspend. Jamie Oliver telling us to bang the old bird in the oven and bosh a bit of brandy and pomegranate butter on the old mince pies. Noddy Holder warming up his vocal chords. Going up in the loft and taking the bark off your skull whilst retrieving the tree and decorations. Trying and failing to look excited whilst unwrapping a book about the history of Triumph.......you know......'cos you're into bikes...... Fumbling through the TV box trying to find a channel that's showing The Great Escape at the appropriate time whilst your dinner's settling. Writing out Christmas cards to colleagues that you'd prefer to drop an anchor on. Wearing a paper hat for precisely 3 minutes. .......and best of all........stuffing your face with turkey and sprouts knowing that your bike is freezing cold, immobile and won't be cut loose for another 4 months. Ho....friggin'......ho
Look on the bright side...... With all the expense of Xmas & that new faux leatherette sofa from Sofas R Shite..that you've simply had to buy to fit all the weirdo relatives on... you only see once a year..... You won't have money for bike fuel anyway
And don't forget your Harvey's Bristol Cream now..... You posh Durham lad.... What's with parking your bike up..... Selected days can still be nice. Get out, ride it, wash it off
Ah yes, the other 'C' word. Having all year listened to the inlaws and the outlaws banging on about "Ken's so easy to buy for. He has so many hobbies." then having to suffer a month of stage whispers along the lines of "What can we get him.? Is there a book/CD/DVD/Video Game he wants?" and then having to do all the research not only for crap for them, but for yourself as well... Only to end up with yet another copy of Guy Martin's latest colouring book, to go with the three other copies somebody picked up from the petrol station on the way home. The remaining sober on the night before because on the morning of day itself you have to go to the inlaws "To see the kids open their presents..." despite the fact that 'the kids' are now in their mid-twenties and are all sleeping off horrendous hangovers because they don't have to get up and drive anywhere... Then having to put up with eating a 15 course (sober) dinner in somebody elses house, or worse, have them eat one in yours. Half an hour of having to program shite into the Sky box for the missus because unlike you, she's been pissed as a rat since 6:30am, before off to the outlaws to sit in a circle (sober) while everybody hands out presents so useless and banal that they'll end up in the loft with the other copies of Guy Martin's book when the trimmings go back. Finally, painfully home and a couple of drinks to help drown out the wife's snoring, because she's hit her pit before you've finished putting the car away, then fall into bed to be woken at 6:30 am on Boxing day with the words "I've invited mum to lunch. You'll go and pick her up, won't you..."
Christmas between 2000 and 2010 was quite fun. One of my mates' birthdays is Christmas Eve so our big group of mates numbering 25+ used to all go out and get absolutely whammed. Many's the time I came stumbling home on Christmas morning at 3am holding up my ex with one hand and cradling a doner kebab in the other. Fantastic at the time but not much fun when we were due at her parents for lunch some hours later. The first hour or so was awful. Full on hangover and trying to make pleasantries. The saving grace was that her Dad used to insist on heading to the pub for a couple of pints while her Mum and sister finished the dinner. The first couple of gulps was difficult but the hangover soon evaporated.
I only ever got drunk once on an Xmas Eve. The company I worked for had a staff fancy dress contest and I had to photograph each of the shops in the Exeter area. I lived in the city centre then and figured out that if I did all the outlying ones first, I could take the car home and do the rest on foot in a more...leisurely manner. So a few hours and many, many Xmas tipples later, I met the missus and 'tacked' home against the prevailing breeze. Just around the corner from the house was a general store/offie and the missus needed some last minute crap, so I waited outside. While attempting to focus on the small ads in the window, I leaned too far forward and ended up leaning on the glass with my forehead at about 40 degrees of angle. I had my camera bag in one hand and my briefcase in the other and at no time did it occur to me to put one of them down and push myself off the glass. Instead, I just kept shoving off with my head and slowly pitching back onto the glass with a thump. About half a dozen times without noticing the shoppers all stopped to see what the banging was about. I kept it up until the Mrs, last minute crap forgotten, came out and dragged me off home. Was I out of it... I hadn't wrapped her presents yet and so had to wait for her to go to bed before I did, but felt so ill, I had to do it lying down on the floor. The worst was the next day, pretending I had absolutely no hangover whatsoever, lest her wrath befell me further and having to entertain my entire family...
I think it's important to remember tho.... that for some people.....perhaps someone close to us...... It's a lonely time of year.... So can I recommend this excellent publication as an ideal stocking filler
