STOP PRESS......... Elton John ,Confirmed to perform Sandals in the wind at Colonel Gaddafi's funeral.
Police cordoned off Liverpool City centre this morning,when a suspicious object was discovered in a car .. It later turned out to be a Tax Disc.
Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm, were required to open fire three times. They won a goldfish, a teddy bear and an inflateable hammer. Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words............. B.I.G.T.I.T.S. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!