My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implants ruptured and started to slowly leak industrial strength silicolne. However, she's now had her nipples pierced and we have succesfully sealed around the bath,sink and shower tray.
WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRYTALE. A man asked a woman 'will you marry me?' 'no' she replied. And he played lots of golf, drank scotch and beer and went fishing and shooting and hunting and rode motorcycles and had lots of money and left the toilet seat up after having a piss and farted when he wanted and lived happily ever after
Neil and Helen were out walking home from the pub.Helen says:I need a piss', and goe's behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny Neil puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Helens legs. He jokes 'have you changed your sex?. She says no I've changed my mind Im having a shit!'
Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Glaswegians at the bar. They've told the divers to f**k off, they're all inclusive and they still have 12 days left
A man-goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Man says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A couple were having sex in the garden one night. 'i wish I had a torch' the chap said. 'so do i' replied his wife, 'you've been licking that slug in the grass for 10 minutes'
LOVING WIFE. A man breaks into a house to look for money and inside he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him up. While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her,kisses her neck then gets up and goe's into the bathroom. While he's there, the husband whispers over 'Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes. He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a women in years. If he wants sex don't reisist, don't complain....do what ever he wants .Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you . This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry ,he'll kill us both.Be strong, honey .I love you!. His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear . He told me that he's gay ,thinks your cute,and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey .''I love you too''.
I saw a letter lying on the doormat this morning. It said on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". I spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the Bloody thing up.
