Acronyms just for Ken ATD - At the Doctor's BFF - Best Friends Funeral BTW - Bring the Wheelchair BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth CBB - Covered by BUPA CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center DWI - Driving While Incontinent FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers FWIW - Forgot Where I Was FYI - Found Your Insulin GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low GHA - Got Heartburn Again HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On? LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out LOL - Living on Lipitor OMMR - On My Massage Recliner OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up! TOT - Texting on Toilet TTYL - Talk to You Louder WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again WTP - Where're the Prunes WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
A man calls 999 and says ''I think my wife is dead'' The operator says how do you know? He says ''The sex is the same but the ironing is building up ! My daugher asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,so i went to the local pet shop and they were £70 !!! .blow this i thought ,I can get one cheaper on the web. The Grim Reaper came for me last night and i beat him off with a vavuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My friends were disgusted when I told them I was going home to rip my mothers knickers off. It has to be done, they're way too fecking tight on me.
So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise because she hates his movies.. Apparently she found out that he'd been in 'A Few Good Men'.
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations, just had a woman from the sperm bank. fuck me, did i give her a mouthful.... took the wife to the doctors to sort out her tourettes. turns out she doesn't have it...............i AM a cunt and she DOES want me to fuck off....
took the girlfriend to my local last night. everyone was calling me a peado and other names just because she's 21 and i'm 44. totally spoilt our 10th anniversary.
I went to see the doctor as I'm suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "It must be very stressful for your girlfriend." I replied "To be honest with you, it's getting on her tits."
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxer's assistant. The job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing. When I asked at the job centre, they said I had to go to Cornwall. I asked "why, is that where the job is?" They replied "No, that's where the back of the bloody queue is."
The wife has been missing a week now. The police said that i should prepare for the worst. So i have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that i had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on I said ''your pulling my leg''.
At school my favourite lesson was PE. I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking the weaker kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs............Looking back, that is probably why I was sacked.
I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend. It's called chloroform. She said it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.
