HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.' ************************ So He went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.' ************************ Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal..' 'Not steal? We're not interested.' ************************ Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.' ************************ Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.' ************************ There, that should offend just about everybody
So a guy goes into his doctor and says " I think there's something wrong with me" "Really," says the doctor. "what are the symptoms?" "Well," says the geezer, "every morning I wake up with a stiffy. My wife, dutifully, goes down on me and helps me to wake up properly. Then after I get out of the shower, I pay her back by making sweet love to her before breakfast. I've been having an affair with my secretary for years now and every morning she comes straight to my office, first thing, for 'dictation' if you know what I mean. Every lunchtime, I visit my mistress, who I keep in an apartment just around the corner from the office so I can spend as must time as possible, pleasuring her during my break. Usually when I get back to work, I call my secretary in for a quickie that, invariably, turns into a long, steamy afternoon delight. When I get home, my wife and I enjoy an hours lovemaking before we prepare to go out for dinner. After which, and more than a few drinks we rut like animals until we fall asleep sated. And this goes on day after day, year after year." By now the doctors eyes are wide open in astonishment. " and so, what exactly is the problem?" he asked. "Well" said the bloke, "Every time I have a wank, I pass out."
Went to the doctors this morning. She was about 25, big blue eyes, gorgeous looking, massive firm tits and a arse to die for. What can I do for you, she asked. I replied, ' I think my knob tastes funny'.....
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
A guy gets home from work and his girl is there beaming and smiling... He asks, What are you so happy about?? She says, I won the lottery babe!! You need to go and pack!!! The guy wants to know, Well, what do I pack for, warm clothes?? beachwear?? What?? The girl says, I don't care, just pack your shit and get the fuck out!!!
The girlfriend wanted to watch jeremy kyle live,and get involved. So I fucked her sister. We're on next thursday.
A bloke gets back from work, and he's brought a mate round for tea. The wife starts screaming and shouting at him..' I haven't done my hair, I got no make up on, I haven't cleaned the house, the dishes want doing and I cant be arsed cooking!!!' ., 'what the fuck you bring him for!!??' Her husband says 'cos he's thinking about getting married'
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.' The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.' 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the waste disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine'.
There was a young man from China, He wasn't a very good climber. He fell on a rock and damaged his cock. And now he's got a vagina.
Start with the number 10 in your mind. Subtract the series and divide by the engine size... The hidden formula for working out just how small a BMW Olympics drivers VIP’s passengers cock really is.
They were trialing the BMW VIP cars and drivers at Silverstone at the weekend. We kept carving them up with our golf buggy.
Hey I'll tell you what. Those Chinese Swimmers have come on leaps and bounds since Morecambe Bay 2004 !
I just lost my job as a lifegaurd at my local swimming pool. apparently tapping the "no bombing" sign when a family of Muslims walk past is not acceptable.
NASA have just announced that, although they have managed to land a Rover on Mars they cannot send it out to carry out tests due to a head gasket failure!
