I like my women like I like my paralympians. Legless with their own transport and not caring if they come first or second.
Who was who in 1923 and what became of them In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2.. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York stock Exchange? 4 Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, Died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, Went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, Was released from prison To die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, Died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement, Shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, Also committed suicide However, In that same year, 1923, The winner of the worlds most important road race, The Isle of Man T.T., Was Stanley Woods. What became of him? He won 10 T.T. Races between 1923 and 1939, He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54 He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90. The Moral: ST*FF WORK. Ride motorbikes.
"Oh good, you're sitting," I said to the girlfriend, "I have something big to ask you." I got down on one knee and was about to pop the big question, when she interrupted.. "This is lovely, Dave," she replied, "but could you let me finish my shit first?"
I saw a Native American chap making some smoke signals. So I went up to him and asked, "What's that you're saying?" He replied, "Help! My fucking blanket's on fire!"
I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website. That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."
Sometimes when I can't sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a fecking nightmare. One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!
There was a young man from Madrid, He went to an auction to bid, He bought a commode And oh what a load, He found when he lifted lid.
There was old monk from Dundee, who buggered a nun under a tree, while deep in her ass, he chanted High Mass, and even the Pope came to see.
There was an old lady from Horton Who had one long tit and one short 'n' To make up for that, she had a bloody great prat And a fart like a 500 Norton.
Just lost my job as a temporary kitchen assistant at the Olympic Village. Apparently when asked to turn the vegetables on, fingering the Dutch girl in the wheelchair wasn't what they had in mind.
A TRUE STORY? Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal . Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy . Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent . Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
