Colleen Rooney has confirmed reports that she has had cosmetic surgery on her arse hole. He's had a hair transplant...
This morning I was walking my dog through a grave yard when I spotted a man crouching behind a gravestone."Morning!" I said.The man replies, "No, just having a dump."
I was in a rush to get home for the football last night when i was held up by a learner driver, she was going really slow and kept stalling, i was getting angrier and angrier till she stalled again at the traffic lights by this time road rage had kicked in, I shouted to her "will you get a f@@kin move on i want to get home?" suddenly she burst into tears and was really upset...........I don't think she will be booking me for any more lessons!!! Mornin I got home from the pub at 3o'clock this morning, as i tried to climb the stairs i stumbled and fell down, the wife shouted down "what the hell are you doing?" i said "sorry to wake you love but i'm trying to get this barrel of beer upstairs" she said "leave it till the morning" I said "I can't, I've f@@kin supped it!" Mornin! My wife snuggled up to me in bed last night she said "I want you to make love to me NOW" I thought to myself 'BINGO' so i went online and played that for a couple of hours till she fell asleep!!! Mornin!
Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. This is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close." Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like you wouldn't believe and ass that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right? As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is? Love Dan
My other half came home last night to find me using her hairdryer to blow-dry my junk. She asked what I was doing? Apparently "Heating your dinner" was not the right answer
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
A young kid stopped me as i was going in the shop he said "excuse me mate will you get me 10 Richmonds please and gave me a fiver" i said "course i will son" on the way out i gave him his change and his sausages and said "they only come in packs of 8!" Mornin
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!” Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.” He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!” Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!” They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.” The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!” Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
Some severe racial stereo typing going on there Eyore, but I'll forgive you being as you're a bog trotter yourself.
"Take me back to your place and fcuk me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night. "I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said. "Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked. "Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."
Went to my allotment last Saturday and found that someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went back today and there was another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens...
My life in my shed. Those of you who DIY will empathise. TOOLS EXPLAINED DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!' SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race... TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Son of a bitch tool Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Ken you missed a few: TAPE MEASURE Used to measure twice before using the HACK SAW, closely followed by the SON OF A BITCH TOOL TORQUE WRENCH Mainly used to strip threads after not setting correctly FIRST AID KIT Extensively used after any of the above tools WELL THUMBED LIST OF 24HR EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS Plumbers, Builders, Electricians’, Mechanics etc to be consulted after the 'don’t worry I can fix this darling'
Of course, foolish of me to forget. Also never underestimate the ability of the torque wrench when it comes to tearing the heads off bolts when they refuse to snap under a normal spanner.
Just nipped in WH Smiths i said to the assistant "Do you have that self help book for men with a small penis?" she answered "I don't think its in yet" i said "Yeah, that's the one!" Mornin!!!
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boys name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
Prince William must be so proud and happy right now, over the next few months he will see something so tiny and fragile grow and come to life.... Kates tits.....
