What's that you're going to learn? Oh it's okay, it's my dyslexia... ... I was about to say you already are one. As you were.
There's no justice in the world... I've got myself into loads of debt this xmas buying the kids presents to make their day, even though I couldn't really afford it, and then of course the fat twat with the beard takes all the credit!!! ..................still, my fault I suppose for marrying her..
^^ well I thought it was funny My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own conservatory.
I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, And he begins to think totally irrationally. Ever stop to wonder why…..? Well: It's because she smells like a new car
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he asks. “Same time as before… Noon,” replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?” The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.” “No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”
A bin man is going along a street collecting the wheelie bins and emptying them into the wagon. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Chinese bloke answers..."Harro!" "Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the bin man. "I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese guy, looking slightly confused Realising that the bloke's misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you", says the Chinese guy. "Mate", says the bin man... "you're misunderstanding me....Where's your wheelie bin?" "OK, OK, OK!!!", says the Chinese bloke, a little annoyed....."I wheelie bin having a wank!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.
Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones * * Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus * * Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice”contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones * * Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice”criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus * * Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone * * Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy * * Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything. Timmy * * Timmy, That’s what I thought you little bastard. Santa
I had to go for a medical earlier, but it was a woman doctor. When I hesitated getting undressed she said "Don't worry, it's nothing I haven't seen before". How the fuck did she recognise me? I was wearing a balaclava and it was dark!
