Old German bloke flies into Paris, gets stopped by passport control: "Name?" "Helmut Schutzenhoffen" "Nationality?" "German" "Occupation?" "No, just visiting"
I gingerly put my little finger in, it felt so wet and warm, the wife said "come on, you can do better than that" so i slowly entered my whole hand, "Now put both hands in" she said, i was so nervous but eventually eased both hands in "There you go, simple is'nt it" she said "Now get that f@@kin washing-up done!" Mornin!!
Dave, your story reminded me of a gross one from my past whereby a lady of negotiable affections, proud of her charms encouraged a client to insert a finger as far as he could, once he'd achieved the task she pushed him further to insert a second. This done she challenged him to fit his entire hand. Surprised at how easy it had been he quickly agreed when she suggested he fit the other hand as well. "Now clap your hands." she instructed him, but no matter how hard he pulled them apart they wouldn't budge. "I'm sorry" He shook his head. "I just can't do it." "Yeah, I know" she winked and smiled, "Tight, ain't I..." Sorry....Sorry everybody....I'll get me coat.
I see Tesco are withdrawing their lasagne due to "labelling issues" Apparently there aren't enough horses left to make the glue they use to stick the labels on .....
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. Don't mess with the Irish.
I made the mistake of mentioning to the better half that I would undoubtedly feel better a stone lighter. She has been bombarding me with fad and pseudo scientific diet suggestions ever since. My suggestion that as a bloke I don't need to bolster my self esteem by subscribing to some complicated system that I can blame when it inevitably fails and that I should just eat less fell on stony ground. So this morning I got sent this, which I'm going to wave under her nose to remind her of how they approached the problem in the good old days. Gillian McKeith my arse!
Never mind horses in lasagne, I think I've found Heather Mills missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.
I saw my mate coming back from the shops pushing a huge trolley full of frozen Lasagne. "What are you doing with all that?" I asked him. "My six year old daughter wants a horse for her birthday," he replied, "so I'm telling her I've bought one in kit form and she just has to put it together."
Nature used to have a way of warning you when to walk away. Example: when walking into a pub and seeing this:- You would know not to say "I can drink anyone here under the table"
What do us British and the Korowai cannibals have in common? We've both probably eaten a black beauty in our time.
Following the discovery of the bones of Richard 111 scientists are now digging up Tescos car park looking for his horse I thought I'd put some poetry in the wife's card this valentines day... Roses are red Try not to cry Bite down on the pillow I'm going in dry..
Recently older taxpayers in the UK received their 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it to those not aware of this huge benefit by using a Q & A format: Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ? A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely: * If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan, Sri Lanka or an east European horse abattoir * If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs * If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala * If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea * If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan * If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to bankers bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in the UK by: 1. Spending it at car boot sales 2. Going to night clubs 3. Spending it on prostitutes 4. Buying beer or whisky 5. Getting yourself a tattoo 6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. ) Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
